TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed through the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely away from place. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable h2o. But yes, certain, let's have Yet another area wherever American Adult men can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though past negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: provide Everybody a set to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is delicate energy," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats plus more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each and every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It can be that he must end applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the task, replied, "You understand, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping forms a large Trump head seen from Area, a feature staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It's not simply unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Characteristics


Probably the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where friends may well ponder vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with weather Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Local Syrians are unsure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Strategy: "In the event you Bomb It, They are going to Come"


The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Eternally."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Public Trump Tower Damascus reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "in which's the closest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is now attracting consideration from international traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll get a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree may even include:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where my PTSD might have convert-down company."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Thoughts with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It desired a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave it all three. You happen to be welcome."

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